Yes you read right. last night I left my husband. I feel as though it was necessary for me to do. I wish I had a better explanation than that, but I guess I don’t. It’s funny because, I always knew there would be a situation that would cause one of us to leave, but in all honesty, I never thought that I would be the one to be so overwhelmed that I would be the first one to just leave.
I know what you are thinking…overwhelmed? What kind of an excuse is that? Well to answer your question, yes I was overwhelmed and just so you know, it was not an excuse, it’s just what had to be done at the time.
It started with the potty training of our now 3 year old son. We have been trying for a while now to get him potty trained, but nothing seemed to work. Granted in the beginning we wren’t super consistent and the methods have differed between me and my husband, so I assume it must have been confusing. Well now, we have established a plan and after reading books and advice from other people. In the middle of training well, let’s just say that our son was really whiny and frustrated and while I felt my husband’s stern approach would hinder his progression, (as we have tried it before), I went with the fun approach for which perhaps he felt as it was too soft.
“How could he feel I was too soft”? How could he feel that I’m not doing a good job as a mother? How could he feel that I was going to screw up my child? My mind kept racing and going and in so many different directions that I didn’t know what to do with myself so the only logical thing for me was to leave.
So last night, I left…mentally. I had to leave the place of being upset and put things into perspective. He didn’t say that I wasn’t a good mother. He didn’t say that I would screw up my child because of my “soft approach”. It was my own vulnerability and insecurity of the meaning of the word soft and how it applied to me. The more I thought about it, the better I began to feel.
He was right…I was soft.
As a mother, it is my job to instill and cultivate the softness, the vulnerability, the nurturing components of my sons. While their father is excellent in teaching them to follow God, to be led by God, to be strong, to provide, and support…it takes the mother to help them learn to support, be kind, empathetic, and sympathetic. Having all qualities allows them to become well-rounded men of God following and fulling the purpose He has laid out for them.
See, I took being soft as something that was negative because it played upon my fear that I thought was long gone. When I pregnant both times, I prayed all the time to God and still do and ask him if I did nothing right at all, I just wanted to do a good job of raising my children for Him. I have a fear that I would possibly “mess up”, the greatest blessings that God saw fit for me to take care of and all I want to do is make Him and my husband proud.
As a mother I have learned that I won’t be perfect. I’m going to mess up, I’m going to make mistakes, and that is totally ok. I think that God blesses us with children to show us who we really are. To show us what we have inside of us that we never knew was there. I think he throws in obstacles such as potty training and comments of spouses to show us that at a moment’s notice, roadblocks pop up at anytime and in any shape or form. It took God using a comment for me to deal with my fear of not being a good mother, to actually confront it instead of running from it and burying it. It took me to mentally leave my husband to check myself, my fears and worries and place them in God’s hands; to let him guide me in this process of motherhood. How can I, along with my husband foster growth and development of our 2 sons in God and faith if mine is lacking and somewhat hindered by fear.
So with this I say thank you to my husband, for thinking I was soft on my child, for allowing me to confront my fears of motherhood, and basically leading me to work and develop in my faith more by trusting God more. None of this would have been realized if I hadn’t left my husband last night.